10. NORWEGIAN BLUE

Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were rude. Bob tried to change the bird by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he heard it swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Bob was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour." Bob was astounded and was about to ask what had changed when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

9. PEDIGREE CHUMP

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and explained: "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well, OK," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" replies the man.

"No," said the vet. "Because he's fucking heavy."

8. IT COULD BE YOU

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling: "Pack your bags sweetheart. I've just won the lottery, all six numbers!"

She says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies: "I don't care. Just pack your bags and fuck off!"

7. TRUCKING HELL

A man calls 999 and yells: "Help! My house is on fire!"

The emergency operator says: "Calm down. How do we get there?"

The man says: "Don't you have those big red lorries any more?"

6. PAWS FOR THOUGHT

An Alsatian walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examines the paper and tells the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

5. PARROT TROOPER

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day, during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of driftwood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another and another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

4. THEM'S THE BRAKES

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

3. MAKE A MENTAL NOTE

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the bloke realised that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5am."

Next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he'd missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and bollock his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It said: "It's 5am, wake up."

2. TEMPORARY HOLMES

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.
In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes says: "What do you deduce from that?"
Watson replies: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if a few of them have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth and there might also be life."
Holmes says: "No, you idiot. It means somebody stole our tent."

And coming in at number one this week :-)

1. UTTER HUNT
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
His mate whips out his mobile and calls 999. He gasps to the operator: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a soothing voice says: "Take it easy. I can help. First, make sure he's dead."
There's silence, then a gunshot rings out.
The hunter's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Think you're fun

nier? Well, do ya? Then post your favourite jokes in here and make us laugh!